I’m in the wrong motherhumping racket, Volume I

So my dentist gets back to me today, and lays down the law on what needs to be done to my tombstones to make them somewhat serviceable. Ladies and gentle people, I am in the wrong racket.

First, some background. Just yesterday. I went in for the (euphemism of the year alert) “deep cleaning” that was required because my gums were inflamed. A deep cleaning means you, a hygienist and a pointy stick to scrape tartar and plaque from your teeth, from beneath your gums, from places that make you bleed like a stuck pig — it is, by far, the best argument for flossing I have ever encountered. The experience was two notches beyond your average root canal.

Now, especially for the non-US residents amongst you, I double-dog dare you to take a guess at what a “deep cleaning” costs.

It’s not that bad, really. It is $209 at my — very, very good — dentist.

Per quadrant.

Yes, that means that my full-mouth cleaning was $209 x 4 = $836… 90% of which was covered by my insurance, so only $84 of that was mine to cover. Well, that and the $50 co-pay. And the two sub-gingivaeic tetracyclin plants that aren’t covered at $35 a piece. Which, as a random aside, take about 4 seconds each to administer.

So… what is the problem?

Must be the $1,000 a year limit per person on my dental insurance. Just that cleaning pretty much wiped my coverage out for the year. Lovely.

So, the teeth that are bothering me most at the moment will both require crowns. Which will cost a measly $2,200 to do. After that, I have two more crowns, a bone implant, two molar implants, several cavities and (best guess) at least one more root canal ($900) coming.

To fix my teeth, right here, right now, front to back, left to right, is shaping up to be about $15,000. It would be absolutely hilarious if it were someone else and if I didn’t have to work several months to even make that kind of moolah. And guess what kind of warranty they give on their multi-thousand dollar jobs? None.

I, most definitely, I am in the wrong racket.

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