Things that irk me, Volume I

Beverages and More (for non-US residents, a ridiculously large outlet for primarily alcoholic beverages and whatever goes with it — and as such, the only reliable and ubiquitous supplier of actual, imported cheese as opposed to what a — it seems, from the finished product — at the very least somewhat inbred Wisconsin excuse for an actual dairy farmer’s idea of Gouda, Havarti and many more actual cheeses} has started a new ad campaign, and it is making my head hurt.

Why? Why, I thought you’d never ask.

The campaign is for Nickel Days, which is nothing more than “buy one bottle of wine, get the second IDENTICAL bottle for 5 cents” – i.e. a nickel. See how I highlighted IDENTICAL? It’s important. We’re not talking “a bottle of equal or lesser value here”. The same wine, period. That’s the sale.

Anyway, the ad starts out explaining all of this. Fine so far, correct? You get to stock up on favorites at a steal (provided your favorites are amongst those included in the sale, of course), good deal, thank you, move on.

But the kicker is when the commercials turn to phrases such as “I feel more comfortable trying out new wines this way”.

First time I heard it, it took me a full ten seconds of grinding it out in my head. Options, parallel universes where that remark might make sense. Ten seconds later, I started getting annoyed. By now, it has moved somewhat beyond annoying and firmly into the wanting to club a full family of baby seals to a bloody pulp realm.

How the ever loving fart does a, for all intents and purposes, buy-one-get-one sale make you more comfortable trying out wines you have not had before? The only difference is that if it is a good one, yay, you now have a spare of same… but should your experiment taste like regurgitated yak urine: congratulations, you have another bottle of this insult to your taste buds, which you are now stuck with foisting upon your worst enemy.

Oh, and you’re out a nickel for the damned thing, too.

Can I scream now?

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